I remember the first day we met. You stood in front of the class delivering a speech on why you should become our class representative. I would never had chosen such a narcissist; bragging about how you were qualified for the job, but the way your eyes sparked as you blinked made me want to know more about you. You said it was because you had dry eyes, but I say it was the first impression you made on me. A few weeks after high school started, your birthday came up. I heard about it through our other classmates but me being very shy, I didn’t plan on celebrating your birthday or greeting you. I told myself to forget it from my memory. When I got to school, the whole grade built you a tower of gummy bears and lots of sweet treats, and I was sitting in the front seat of the classroom, embarrassed about not preparing anything when I was told it was your birthday.
Feeling like a total idiot; and not because I find you a good friend, just for moral reasons, I asked if I could buy you a treat, and you said yes. We went to the closest convenience store and it being a hot day, you asked for an ice cream. I got us two separate flavors; one for me and one for you. When we went back to school, our classmates were waiting. We enjoyed our ice cream while having a conversation about how our junior high school life was. But for some reason, I can hardly remember the conversation. Was it because, all I was ever thinking about was you and how you looked at me? You tried to fool it by saying you wanted a taste of my ice cream, but we all knew that was not what you meant. But actually, I enjoyed everything. I enjoyed how we had a cheerful conversation about my favorite music. No one has ever found interest in English pop music in Japan, but you did. No one could play a musical instrument so well and sing the songs I would request, but you could play the bass as if it were part of you; so passionate and full of emotion. I realized then, that was the very first time I had actually had a conversation with you, and I liked it very much.
I remember the day I asked you to come to Shibuya just because I needed to pass the time, and you did. You came knowing there was nothing I had to give and I’m pretty sure you had nothing to benefit from, but you came anyway. You came, paid for my lunch and stayed. I can still remember how you pulled me towards you when we walked down that narrow street, or how you touched my hair and said it was beautiful. I never thought that I’d fall in love with somebody I once thought a self-confident leader. But instead, I found myself wanting to know more about you.
We started out our relationship, having rough times as well as one of the most memorable. Till it came to a point where we fell apart. I supported you and counted on you, helped you through your rough times, but you gave up on the goals that we made, and I understood. I didn’t say anything, I just let it go. But when it was my turn, you ignored me and my problems. You said we’d work through our problems together. I thought you would support me with my entrance exams like I helped you. Instead, you said it’s a piece of cake for me, and spent the time you could have used supporting me, getting a driver’s license. I never wanted to get in your car and drive away from reality. You were too eager and caught up in such dreams that you forgot me.
In the meantime, a kind gentleman about three years older than us, helped me through my rough times. I got to know him right after I met you and I had always thought of him as a cute senior. When he was beside me through my hard times, I felt as if I had chosen the wrong man. I wished that I had met him before I met you. But I couldn’t believe my thoughts, because I knew I loved you more than him despite how rude you were to me, and how he eased my pain. But I felt bad for feeling this way towards you, because I loved you. When you love someone, having mixed emotions toward someone else is wrong. How can this be love if you can have feeling towards somebody else? I thought strongly about this and couldn’t keep it hidden. Of course, we knew this was coming, and I never ended up with anyone else, not even him.
Sometimes, maybe always, ever since you’ve gone, I’m left thinking. When you let someone go because you know you can’t make him happy anymore, is that love? Or even when someone shows you affection and you know it’s everything you’ve ever wanted and more. Can I not accept it because I know it’s you that runs through my head? Being human, I know I am a selfish creature. I know I can’t have it, but I want it. You kept me thinking about the definition of so many words that I’d never imagined I’d think about so deeply. Everything that was, and is, I owe it all to you. You have changed my life 180 degrees, helped me see new ways. I’m sorry I was selfish just to think of myself. If you ever pass by and happen to read this letter, I hope you are doing well. I hope you’ve moved on and found someone other than me to live your dreams and live your life to the fullest. As for me, I’m doing well. Without you I could have never been this blessed. I wish you luck in any path you choose to take. Hope someday we can laugh about this but for now, I wish you all the best.